it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
