someone threw a dead crab at me
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
