I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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