the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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