I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
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Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
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You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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