I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Randomize
