i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
