Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
