I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
