I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Randomize
