my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
P.S. I can't hear my feet
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
