My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
