Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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