dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
