i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
