my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
