I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
