The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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