i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
