WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
