Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
