I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
