No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
