Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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