dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
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