Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
