my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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