I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
