omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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