were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
