I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
