I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
