i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
