Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Welp...herpes.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
