is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
