she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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