I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
