I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
