she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
