In the future we'll all be gay
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
The struggles of a small town man whore
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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