i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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