theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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