walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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