Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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