Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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