woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
