I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
