that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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