I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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