I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
