come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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