I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Just pee around me
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
