Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
