I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
