I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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