I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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