Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
sarcasm needs its own font
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
