I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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