New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
