i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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