Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
