was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
We talked him into tasing himself.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
