apparently the secret to your success is patron
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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