just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
