filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
