i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
